Faramir's Diary
by Sue
Summary: Movie-verse, humor. A brief look at Faramir's thoughts during the events of TTT.


This work was inspired by Claire's brilliant 'Very Secret Diaries', but is not intended to infringe upon her works. I noticed there have been many 'Diaries' written lately, and thought it was about time Faramir got his turn.  
  
Enjoy! Reviews always appreciated! :)  
  
Day 1: Saw dead brother in boat. Day can only improve from here.  
  
Day 1, later: Found broken horn of Gondor. Must rethink optimistic outlook.  
  
Day 4: Informed father of Boromir's death. Had to listen to rant about how this is my fault for having dream. Told me I must stop being such a soft-hearted schmuck. Received parting slap upside the head. Left feeling quite bummed.  
  
Day 6: Returned to Ithilien. Ambushed pack of Southrons; apprehended two little men in short pants for being Orc spies and making open cooking fire without permit.   
  
Day 6, later: March to Henneth Annun. Contemplated cruelty of putting a waterfall scene in a three-hour-long movie. Decided to wait until all audience members have returned from bathrooms to say anything important.  
  
Little spies questioned. Did not believe their story about being encyclopedia salesmen. Gardener named Sam giving me dirty looks-do not need disrespect from short furry-footed guys in knickers right now!  
  
Discovered they knew Boromir-am perplexed. Did they have a hand in his death? Must go and brood.  
  
Spent twenty minutes staring into space. Have decided I do not really know what a 'schmuck' is.  
  
Day 6, night: Found strange creature who was traveling with little encylcopedia salesmen. He is quite demented and speaks in an odd language. Claims Hobbits stole his 'Precious'. Wonder if he is talking about his commission.  
  
Discovered that Hobbit Frodo is bearing the One Ring of Power. Am consumed by strange feelings around it. Got strong urge to put on black pageboy wig and makeup and go to Bohemian Paris to write opera with Ewan MacGregor. Must...resist...  
  
Am informed Osgiliath needs help; decide to take Ring to Gondor instead. Am far too pale to look good in black wig.  
  
Day 7, midnight: Began march to Osgiliath. Have decided I will send the Ring to Father.  
  
Day 7,1:00: Have watched Frodo freak out. Have decided NOT to send the ring to Father.  
  
Day 7,1:15: Have changed mind. I WILL send the ring to Father.  
  
Day 7,1:30: Have decided NOT to send the Ring to Father.  
  
Day 7,1:45: Yes, I WILL send the Ring.  
  
Day 7,2:00: No, I WON'T send the Ring.  
  
Day 7,2:15: Yes, I will.  
  
Day 7,2:30: No, I won't.  
  
Day 7,2:45: Yes, I will.  
  
Day 7,3:00: No, I won't.  
  
Day 7,3:15: Yes, I will.  
  
Day 7,3:30: No, I won't.  
  
Day 7,3:45: Yes, I will.  
  
Day 7,4:00: No, I won't.  
  
Day 7,4:15: Yes, I will.  
  
Day 7,4:30: No, I won't.  
  
Day 7,4:45: Coffee break.  
  
Day 7,5:00: No, I...darn, where was I again?   
  
Day 7, 5:30: March continued. Sam still scowling at me. Suspect he did not like my asking him if 'Goonies' was the movie with the fuzzy little brown-and-white pointy-eared thing in it.   
  
Day 7, dawn: Arrived at Osgiliath, which is in ruins. Orcs attacking from across river. Buildings smashed. Fires consume city. Will likely lose AAA rating this year.  
  
Ordered men to take Hobbits to Father. Sam informed me that the Ring drove Boromir mad and he tried to kill Frodo. Am stunned. Would have thought he would try to kill Sam first.  
  
Nazgul appeared during Orc attack. Put Hobbits in corner and told them to stay hidden. Frodo loses mind and walks out into open with Ring. Decided to work harder on phony British accent so maybe people will listen to me for a change.   
  
Killed Nazgul before it could reach Frodo. Heard Sam give speech. Became teary-eyed. Never so bored before.  
  
Decided to release Hobbits. Hopefully will not have to listen to any more speeches.  
  
Lead Hobbits to sewers and let them go. Forgot to mention giant radioactive alligators. Maybe they will eat Sam first.  
  
Day 7, morning: Prepared to face Father. Bohemian Paris not looking so bad.  
  
Day 10: Osgiliath overrun by Orcs. Entire AAA rating team eaten. All in all, a mixed blessing.  
  
Day 10, dawn: Retreated from Osgiliath with survivors. Saved by Mithrandir and yet another Hobbit. They seem to be following me...  
  
Day 10, afternoon: Talk to Father about Ring. Have never seen him turn that shade of purple before.  
  
See the Hobbit, Pippin, wearing my childhood armor. Am totally freaked out. Is this some strange form of stalking? Why won't they leave me alone?  
  
Meet with Father again. He informs me that he wishes I were dead and sends me out to retake Osgiliath, which is now crawling with hundreds of thousands of Orcs. Thanks, Dad.  
  
Day 10, still later: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.  
  
Day ??: Hey, what the hell - it feels like some idiot just poured oil all over me!  
  
Day ??, later: Almost burned alive by Dad. If he did not like the Father's Day tie, I wish he would have just said so.  
  
Day 15: Healed by King. Still oily.   
  
Day 16: Met Eowyn. Still oily, but this may be an asset now.  
  
Day 17: Sauron defeated. Ring destroyed. No longer oily, thanks to bath. Best day ever!  
  
Day 25: King crowned. Land finally at peace. Am now clean and looking very, very hot.   
  
Day 20: Bachelor party thrown for me by Eowyn's brother Eomer. Legal restraints forbid me from writing further.   
  
Day 35: Married Eowyn. Now Steward of Gondor and Prince of Ithilien. Hobbits no longer stalking me. Am overcome with unfamiliar lack of misery, angst, or deep emotional turmoil. Come to the conclusion that I am finally happy.  
  
It's a strange feeling, but I guess I will get used to it...  
  
THE END


End file.
